Frustration & Toleration

Frustrations are a part of life. If ever you find a person who has absolutely no frustrations, you are likely to have also found an all but disengaged individual. To avoid any and all frustrations would seem to require a removal or serious isolation from the continuing ebb and flow of life. A certain level of frustration is inevitable. Nevertheless, the intensity and duration of the impact of frustrating people, situations, and things are far more often than not well within your power to control.  But only if you choose to exercise that power!

One of the best ways to define and thus better understand the term “frustrating” is to look at some common synonyms.  On somewhat of a continuum from bad to worse, these terms can be viewed in three different stages of intensity. Stage one is those folks, circumstances, and items that are pesky, annoying, and irksome.  Stage two frustrations tend to be vexing, worrisome, and disturbing. And when life’s frustrations have intensified, either over time or severity, they can easily become exasperating, infuriating, and downright maddening. 

The net impact of life’s frustrations, both in force and extent, seems to be directly related to how you choose to deal with them. Oh, to be sure, some sources of frustration can be eliminated totally by breaking ties with them, just letting them go their own way, and putting them behind you. But since that’s not always practical, or even in your best interests, learning to deal proactively with frustration is generally the most advisable option. 

Recently, a personal leadership coach began a research project to learn more about how individuals react to frustration. His research model was going to be highly informal. Instead of an online survey or some other method of contacting a large number of people, he decided he was going to take a more personal approach. For this study he was going to rely completely on one-on-one, face-to-face conversations. He developed no specific questions, but rather he wanted to casually chat with people about their frustrations. 

After more than two years of these informal chats, he had learned a great deal. Although not a shock, nearly every person he spoke with made it clear that they didn’t like feeling frustrated. Most also agreed that a certain level of frustration was inevitable. He found it interesting that even though he’d introduce the word “frustration” into these conversation, many of the people he talked with had other words that they’d used synonymously. They included, such words as stressful, embarrassing, worrisome, troublesome, inconvenient, unsettling, and bothersome. Several of the people he chatted with openly shared some of the ways they cope with their frustrations. 

In these responses there was a rather wide range of tactical, or how-to, insights.  Some emphasized avoidance. Their focus was on learning their frustration triggers, then, at least as much as possible, avoiding them. As some of them noted, such an approach can tend to limit what they were willing to try and people with whom they choose to engage for fear of some potential frustrations. Some who suggested they simply ignore their frustraters also shared that doing so was anything but simple.  

Although fewer in number than those who advocated avoiding and ignoring, there were those who claimed their go-to response to frustrations was to deal with them directly. They’d serve prompt and undisputable notice that they had had enough and would tolerate no more. Another recurring comment from people who suggested such an approach was that they had often damaged and even ended relationships in the process. 

While relaxing on a seaside bench with a fresh macaroon in hand, the coach chatted with a young guy. They engaged in conversation as though they had known each other for years. Before ending their chat, the young man said, “You know, we all have a choice. We can let frustrations control us, or we can control how we react to them. There’s a line in the sand that you need to keep in mind. That line represents a delicate balance between what you’ll allow to frustrate you and what you’re willing to tolerate and accept. When I begin feeling frustrated, I remind myself that it could control me. That’s when I call up a little understanding and some empathy. Some calm and patient toleration often becomes frustration’s best antidote. It doesn’t always eliminate them, but it generally reduces their uncomfortable and unnecessary impact.”

There will always be some frustrations in your life, but you can reduce their influence. The next time you feel your frustration level rising, give someone, some thing, or some situation the gift of your genuine toleration. At the same time, you’ll be giving yourself the gift of less frustration.  

Thanks Gabe!