No Offense Intended

She was in charge, she knew it, and she seemed to enjoy reminding people that she was. She liked the power that gave her. She demonstrated it regularly—sometimes abusively. More often than not, she’d follow her passive-aggressive comments that were both uncomfortable and awkward, with a chuckle and a comment like “No offense intended.”  

Usually, she’d draw a laugh from the others. Truth be told it was a nervous laugh brought on by second-hand embarrassment and a shared uncomfortableness. Everyone on the team knew what it felt like to be called out or put on the spot by her. One of her favorite venues was during team meetings on the last Thursday or each month. She was not only in the power seat, but at these meeting she also had a captive audience. 

Her lack of interpersonal skills and awareness, specifically mutual respect, was either a leadership lesson she failed to learn, or one she consciously chose to ignore.  In either case, intimidating, belittling, and embarrassing comments were part of her leadership style, and she wielded them well. That was until one of her accountants, a young guy who had been with the company less than a year, had had enough. 

It didn’t take him long to pick up on her leadership-by-passive-aggressive-intimidation style when he came to the firm. He saw no hint of that side of her style during the interview and onboarding process. The first time or two he was caught in her crosshairs he followed the lead of others on the team. He made some submissive comment then tried to laugh it off.  That all changed when he was offered a position with another company—a competitor. 

When he was next the target of her verbally offensive power moves, he said nothing and didn’t try to laugh it off.  Instead, he just looked at her. There was an awkwardness in the room, and the silence was deafening. The uncomfortable light of embarrassment that she like using, was shining directly on her. In spite of her power, she was at a loss for words—a total loss! 

He didn’t have to do or say a thing, he just allowed time to play out. She felt the strain of her comment, and she finally tried to make one of her condescending follow-up comments.  That too was met by nothing—no emotion at all. Like watching a ping-pong match, everyone in the room kept looking back and forth between them to see who’d make the next comment. 

He did and it was a question offered directed back to her. “Pardon me, would you repeat that?” It was obvious she didn’t want to repeat what she had said, and she didn’t know how to handle his question. 

“Oh, I meant no offense,” was all she offered. 

Then he leaned in a bit more. “Were you serious, were you trying to draw a laugh at my expense, or were you trying to remind us of your power-over relationship with us?   The heat was up, and she melted. 

The meeting ended abruptly and everyone scattered as quickly as possible. She asked him to stay in a manner that clearly demonstrated her intention to try and over-power him one-on-one.  Before she could, he explained why he said what he did. He shared that he had been offered a position with another firm, and that he had been given a week to decide if he was going to accept. He said today’s encounter brought him to his decision, and that he’d be leaving in 30 days. 

She asked why he hadn’t come to her to share his concerns before looking elsewhere. 

“I’ll be happy to tell you. It was simple. You’re the boss and you make it abundantly clear that we work for you and not with you. You do it with your domineering comments that you know none of us will respond to. Well, that’s not the work environment I want to live in. And no offense intended, but if I had to ask you to stop making rude, condescending, and embarrassing comments to me, I reasoned that you may not be the type of person I want to work for or with.  I thought it would probably be better for both of us, if I looked elsewhere.” 

When you hear the phrase, “Oh, no offense intended,” it’s probably a good idea to get yourself ready to be offended. Whether the offense is intended or not, it’s still unpleasant, awkward, and distressing. It’s also a clear demonstration of a lack of interpersonal respect. And when it’s done from a power-over position its’s all the more intimidating and discouraging.  

Purposeful silence in the face of ill-mannered comments can provide a loud and clear response!